Unexpressed Feelings | Short Story | Abhijeet Yadav

 Let me share a tale of mine
Stories of love from my time
From school to the college life
I was a kid with many lies

The first lines may sound poetic but this tale is not so poetic to me. It's from my own life and about my feelings. It starts from the covid phase when everyone was locked in their houses struggling with anxiety, fear, and depression that were hiding under their beds. Surrounded by the 4 walls all the time I was also feeling lonely from the months that passed by. Just not so long before I lost my father too so this covid phase was more like a nightmare to me than any lonely feelings. Tears and the night were now my best friends all this time. My pillow helped to shut the cries from leaking out into the ears of my family.

And this continues for some nights. Now my tears also left me after some time. My colourful world has now been painted to nothingness and all those beautiful colours were drained down into the abyss.

Now cases have been reduced drastically and our honourable school decided to open the gates and welcome students once again. I thought its better to go out under the sky where I can see the sun in its beautiful light. And it worked somehow and it was still much better than sitting inside the 4 great walls and talking with my loneliness. It was our first day at school and we barely know each other because till that time our classes were online. Now when we are face to face (obviously with masks on) we get to know each other and form deeper bonds than anyone. Now some time has passed and we all are settled now and enjoy our classes with laughs, jokes, and all the idiotic stuff we do. 

Until one day I received a direct message from a random girl, my life was going smoothly, but then my life took a drastic turn. So the DM was from my classmate and her name is Diana (can't use her real name - personal issues) and apparently because it was still very early to know all of the girls in my class. I was just confused about who was she and she is smart. I mean smart that she also figured out that I don't know about all the girls so she always messages me "That she saw me today" if something funny happens in class or I did something hilarious she points that out and tells all about how I was smiling or I was hanging out with my friends. At first, I thought she is a stalker and I tried to find her but she is truly impressive in hiding her footprints. For all this time I didn't know that she was my classmate. I just thought I was being stalked and I felt like I am in a Karan Johar movie.

But after we talked on Instagram for many months I realized she is not a stalker. She is just a new student in our schools and didn't know anyone but was able to find me because of some writings I posted on my page. After talking to her every day we surely had a deeper understanding and form a stronger bond so we decided to at last see each other in real life too. She has seen me before, in fact, she notices me every day and me being the biggest idiot didn't even know that she was my classmate.

As planned I reached the place before the time. I know you all can sense my excitement even though you're reading this but still, I waited for her to arrive. And as she came I was just shocked. I mean she is a pretty girl, smart and has a lot of courage as I had felt in our conversation and she is here to meet me. But that day we didn't talk much because I sense that she was nervous so I planned to take this slow and build our friendship from the base.

In just 6 months we have built trust and made our bonds deeper than anyone. I helped her make new friends but she didn't talk much to guys. I think she is still shy but she made a new girlfriend so it's fine I guess. I helped her with my IP subject because she is very bad at that but she is one of the Biology toppers so no argument about that. People around us felt our friendship but as you know how boys start assuming things and they assumed that she is my girlfriend. But let me tell you a secret I also started liking her all this time. And I have never been in a relationship but every time I chat with her face to face I can see the way she looks at me. So my guess is she also likes me.

She heard about our couple's rumours in the news. Why is this happening? she asked. I just told her "It happens because people assume many things, let's not focus on that". 

But one day something unexpected happened. See our meeting place was mostly our classroom or our bus area from where we board our route buses. And one day as I come to have a conversation with her. She stopped me and asked one thing directly on my face. She asked, "Do you love me?" 

Having never imagined she would ask something like this on my face, this question struck me like lightning. I cool my head and calmed my beating no racing heart that was beating with the speed of an F1 race car.  I hold my ground and said "No!". You must be shocked why I said no but I have my reasons but I will tell you at the end why. When she heard the answer she has a relieved look on her face.  And the next thing she said is "Thank God! I thought you liked me and if you do then our friendship would have been ruined but that's not the case here." I just stand there listening to these words that were like a pin punched in my heart. She told me "I can't love you because I don't know you still that much and I like someone else". I put on a fake smile and said "Yeah! Thank god I don't love you"... 

My heart was crushing from inside but I kept cool and took her off as stepped up on her bus. I thank God that day that I didn't say I liked her. These feelings and this scene just play in my mind from time to time and I imagine what would have happened if I had told her. I don't wanna lose her. I don't wanna lose anyone now. So I kept quiet and let myself enjoy those beautiful moments that we share to this day. At least I am still with her but these unexpressed feelings will be there till the end of my life.